Fiat Marea Weekend

We were concerned as to the suitability of our car the minute we entered the farmyard.

Without four wheel drive, the Marea struggled across the slippery cobbles in the dark.

Even more worrying was its lack of manners when trekking cross country. Grassy knolls and mole-hills proved particularly problematic, as did the dry stone walls.

The shocking lack of ground clearance prevented us parking close to the pig pens.

Obviously an urban car, we were well aware of the odd looks we received as we travelled through the village.

We selected the Marea as a versatile load carrier, but even with two large pigs aboard, we felt like outsiders when we dawdled through the village.

A roof box option would be useful as we found trotters scratched the roof too easily. We were forced to load our pork upside down eventually.

It's a good looking car nevertheless and we received many admiring glances once we returned to central London.

The stereo was particularly well specced, with strong Radio 3 reception drowning out the squeals most effectively.

The lack of overmats was a nuisance as we were forced to return the car covered in pig-****.

Rear boot space was adequete although a cargo net would have been useful. Bungees around the trotters sufficed.

With the back seats folded down, we had a choice of longitudinal or transverse pig, leaving plenty of options for topping up with fowl.

Fully laden with two mature sows, we took our favourite test route back to town which encompasses a number of challenging road conditions.

Sadly the roof rails parted company with the roof over the hump-back bridge, despite slowing to 60mph.

After retrieving our rooftop guest, we elected for the safer option of the back seat. To our surprise both pigs could happily  be propped up on the back seat and safely secured with interia reel belts. 

Lumber supports in the rear would have been appreciated as our passengers squealed all the way home.

Overall:

Not suited to country life. 7½ PIES

Vauxhall Zafira

With all passengers pedalling, and rear occupants blowing strenuously out of the back windows, the Zafira happily accelerates to the daring side of exhilarating pace.

Fully laden with tooled up blaggers, our test vehicle happily negotiated the pedestrian precinct with nimble handling and pleasantly weighted steering.

Although prone to understeer when navigating shallow stairways, we were most pleased with the upright driving position and all round visibility.

The Zafira has a wonderfully uninspiring yet inoffensive body.

With no bold styling features to offend even the most timid of passer by, it blends pleasingly into the modern eurobox traffic in a blur of tedium.

The Vauxhall badge politely informs you of its roots, yet the styling makes no pretence of being anything other than a well rounded metal box in which to store your family. Alternatively with the executive model it can effortlessly transport a bunch of suits from hotel to airport in unrivalled blandness.

Top marks here and a top contender for the ‘burly bloke’ award. Four up with tools, we still had room for two sets of golf clubs, a vanity case and a jumbo bag of Werthers. With the optional body box, or ‘sport carrier’ there’s room for an additional adult in an emergency.

The side opening doors give much flexibility. Providing easy access for those with disabilities or drinking skills, they also provide opportunities to ‘surf’ the Zafira on long boring motorway journeys, making full use of the attractive roof or rails or ‘riot-handles’

Also in its favour the Zafira provides a very safe environment. With all the airbags inflated we could still reach the pie holders and door pockets.

The windscreen required only a couple of kicks to remove, whilst our pre-tensioned seatbelts hugged us reassuringly as we hit the fence.

Decamping from the vehicle demonstrated the ease of access in an emergency, even when parked on uneven waste ground.

Overall:

A well sorted motor. Pleasingly versatile and robust. 11½ PIES